In Rear View...

A while ago I had a series of related conversation with a friend. And for the longest time, I couldn't quite figure what the struggle was. For a person so sweet, warm and full of amazing thoughts, I felt she didn't deserve to have her back against the wall, to hit rock bottom with no sight of a ladder to climb out of the depths.

I figured we all have these moments when we ask daunting questions like;

What would it feel like to wake up tomorrow and realize that yesterday never happened – that it was only a dream.

Those seemingly endless, disheartening spells just listening to music or watching TV totally absent minded, while your emotions fight desperately to hold on to something. And every bone in your body aches at the subtle suggestion that the pages of this story are undeniably running out.

That clueless feeling as to what you should expect. That strange experience when it’s suddenly not black or white – when your head is reluctantly hosting an emotional three way pull between; the right option, the wrong move and how you feel about it all.

Incidentally, today I had excerpts from that thread of conversations play over and over in my thoughts, as minutes turned to opinions. So I wrote down what you’ll read below. I felt she could have used this at the time......maybe get some understanding, conviction, a shoulder, and closure. Something her heart tried so hard to spell out in a rather unpleasant emotional experience.

To you………….

“It seems we've run our course here. As much as fighting it gives me false courage and provides a safe haven to enjoy the memories we built…….I want you to go.

I know we should part because loving you from a distance when you are so close to me in reality, makes me feel weaker than my heart can take.

Though I can turn my back and walk away, I feel like the pain of watching you go will somehow help me miss you a little bit more. So I’d like you to leave me here standing, don’t look back, just walk and know that each step you take, draws a sad smile further up my face.

Empirically, the moments we've lived through make a great album. And I’d like to keep them with me as I walk on…..But right now, every day with you slowly erases bits and pieces from the corners of my mind.

Truth is either way, it’s going to hurt….but I want to leave after you. I need you to show me courage and calmly get off this train.

Every day that goes by adds contrast to the hand writing on the wall…..And I know now, that I’m not the one to make you happy anymore. I have held you forever, and I could hold you a day more. But this feeling of losing won’t go away, because it’s when I hold you that reality catches a better signal.

I choke on the bitterness I swallow every night as I cry myself to sleep. Right now, everything I do feels wrong and largely selfish.


So let’s swallow our pride and raise the white flag”.