In Rear View...

A while ago I had a series of related conversation with a friend. And for the longest time, I couldn't quite figure what the struggle was. For a person so sweet, warm and full of amazing thoughts, I felt she didn't deserve to have her back against the wall, to hit rock bottom with no sight of a ladder to climb out of the depths.

I figured we all have these moments when we ask daunting questions like;

What would it feel like to wake up tomorrow and realize that yesterday never happened – that it was only a dream.

Those seemingly endless, disheartening spells just listening to music or watching TV totally absent minded, while your emotions fight desperately to hold on to something. And every bone in your body aches at the subtle suggestion that the pages of this story are undeniably running out.

That clueless feeling as to what you should expect. That strange experience when it’s suddenly not black or white – when your head is reluctantly hosting an emotional three way pull between; the right option, the wrong move and how you feel about it all.

Incidentally, today I had excerpts from that thread of conversations play over and over in my thoughts, as minutes turned to opinions. So I wrote down what you’ll read below. I felt she could have used this at the time......maybe get some understanding, conviction, a shoulder, and closure. Something her heart tried so hard to spell out in a rather unpleasant emotional experience.

To you………….

“It seems we've run our course here. As much as fighting it gives me false courage and provides a safe haven to enjoy the memories we built…….I want you to go.

I know we should part because loving you from a distance when you are so close to me in reality, makes me feel weaker than my heart can take.

Though I can turn my back and walk away, I feel like the pain of watching you go will somehow help me miss you a little bit more. So I’d like you to leave me here standing, don’t look back, just walk and know that each step you take, draws a sad smile further up my face.

Empirically, the moments we've lived through make a great album. And I’d like to keep them with me as I walk on…..But right now, every day with you slowly erases bits and pieces from the corners of my mind.

Truth is either way, it’s going to hurt….but I want to leave after you. I need you to show me courage and calmly get off this train.

Every day that goes by adds contrast to the hand writing on the wall…..And I know now, that I’m not the one to make you happy anymore. I have held you forever, and I could hold you a day more. But this feeling of losing won’t go away, because it’s when I hold you that reality catches a better signal.

I choke on the bitterness I swallow every night as I cry myself to sleep. Right now, everything I do feels wrong and largely selfish.


So let’s swallow our pride and raise the white flag”.

The Fart at the Grocery Store

Now I woke up this blissful morning with the conviction that I need to get rid of my alarm. I mean we’ve broken up a couple of times and made up again. But I figured it’s time to move on, if it will keep serving me and my neighbors as far as a mile away every morning. Moreover, half an hour more of sleep is better than a deafening alarm.

Breakfast was…..nonexistent, and as usual, I was hoping for a short day so I get to drive off early and munch on something. I got to the hospital and just as I blurted “Good morning” to my Consultant/Supervisor, it hit me that I’d left my case report at home. I literally wanted the ground to open up and just keep me underneath till lunch time or something. And it probably should have, had it foreseen what lay ahead.

So I somehow managed to escape turning the paper in. And it was a short day after all.

I was on a purple patch…...

You see I’ve never really understood why these grocery stores keep switching items from their positions every now and then. Fine, I get that the “unnoticed” need to be made more conspicuous. But really, who cares? At least I didn’t at this point; I’m just saying I still won’t pick up a can of factory made soup because it’s staring me in the face, no thank you.

No really, because if these hot dogs were in the right cold section, I probably would have made it out in time to avoid the near death experience, or worse some degree of brain damage/death of one or two precious brain cells I had.

At the checkout, I bumped into this cute kid…..9, 10 maybe 11 months old tops. Definitely hadn’t seen up to 365days as yet. She was clearly enjoying the trolley ride, and seemed to be sorting the items her mom had collected: “okay chances are once we get home, these will go to places way outta reach, so I should probably make my move now, now……or never. *Sigh, This is it”

We exchanged a smile like we had met before, and………that was it. In a split second, everything stopped; the cashier, the cash machine, the Michael Buble tune playing in the background….I mean everything stopped. I was sure, but not sure how we had somehow teleported to the waste section of a Bio-lab recycling by-products from a ruminant farm. It hit me like Nerve Gas, and I turned to the baby in the trolley (not sure why)……Her eyes popped so far out of her socket, and her faced cringed. I could tell she agreed we were dealing with a potential bioweapon….the look on her face clearly read “you adults are just disgusting. I mean, really, C’mon, what careless dork does this in the face of a child? Oh dear heaven, I should have stayed with Jesus a little longer”

In the moment, the look on her cuddly face now reasonably wrinkled seemed convinced dance school or something was her only option now; since Maths and Physics were out of the question considering the possible brain damage she had just suffered. I couldn’t agree more. I felt dizzy and close to floor….very close.

As a medical student, I know that what comes out from our behinds is basically, methane and H2S (Hydrogen Sulphide). H2S being the culprit that calls us out, flatly. But this gentleman in front of me had clearly been dieting on something I’d suggest the FDA look into, and rightly so; should be banned from the market.



Did I stay to checkout? You tell me what you could have done

6:37PM 10/2/2013

This is me saying goodbye to excuses, and hello to awesome.

It's amazing, the answer has been in my wardrobe all this time. I was ready to take off early this evening (in search of a meal), and I threw on my nike shirt. Taking a few moments in front of the mirror to get my hair in order, what stared back at me pretty much paused my thoughts and held me in a short trance.

I kept staring at my t-shirt like it wasn't mine. But in fact it was!

With the words "just do it" roaming my mind all the way out the door. I figured; why not? Yesterday I said tomorrow..........I think I'll get Nuel going today.